Our Love's The Only Truth, That's Why I Run To You

This song by Lady Antebellum entitled "I Run To You" has really been on my heart the last 24 hours or so. You see, sometimes I am really bad at understanding or sharing my own thoughts and feelings but music helps me do these things. Maybe that's why I love music? It brings me to a place within myself that I can't even describe or maybe even want to find at times. Music is like the right kind of medicine for my soul.

I'm kind of like a turtle in a shell who feels so sheltered within their own walls and so secure being curled up in their own shell that they rarely like to pop their heads and legs out and be exposed when they feel vulnerable. That's the only way I can think to describe it. I have a fear of being exposed and by doing so allowing others to harm what's most precious to me, my feelings and inner thoughts. I like to stay curled up in my own little shell where I feel protected within my walls.

I think it has a lot to do with my past relationship. I allowed myself to become vulnerable and in the end I was left feeling lost, unprotected, shell-less. 

 

So I put my walls back up... I self taught myself that I could handle everything in my life on my own, that I didn't need anyone to help me that I was independent and strong enough to protect myself and my own little shell. It worked amazingly for awhile, honestly it did. I healed and learned to conquer everything I thought I wanted or needed by myself without getting hurt. I didn't have to worry about feeling exposed. That was until I met A...

When I first met him my walls were all up and I felt safe. Over time of falling in love with him and gaining a best friend they slowly started to evaporate into thin air. It was like I didn't notice because I was so blinded by love goggles and I had finally met my perfect match. He was and is the one, I knew it from pretty much day one. 

The thing is our relationship happened really quickly, we moved into together right away as well. Now anyone that has been in a relationship knows when you live together the real person shows over time. It just does! Like A says though you learn to accept each others positive attributes and well as their flaws because you love them & can't imagine a day without the other person. 

Things were great but little comments he started making to me over time started to kind of eat at me. I mean they weren't over the top-we-are-so-over type of comments. They did sting, I'm not going to lie. In fact I had to have a conversation with him about how he was starting to make me feel insecure about myself and I didn't like the feeling. I mean at this point in our relationship I was exposed like those dreams we have of walking to class naked in High School kind of exposed. 

He promised to fix and it and he did... But I think I was still feeling like a bee had stung me or something so slowly my walls started coming up again. I didn't even know it at the time but I can look back and know that's exactly what started my fall out. I think we both felt the disconnection overtime. I didn't like the feeling, it left me feeling so lonely and confused, which in turn left me pulling away more.

Confused yet? Eh me too!! 

Over the last few weeks I have been wanting more time away from him and more time with my friends. I know this hurt him so deeply and I wish I could go back and communicate with him instead but I just couldn't! I would not of even known where to start. There was so much going on in our relationship, work, friend's lives, and with my ex and children. It was so over whelming and I just broke. Like I really broke! Only this time I couldn't catch myself like in the past because HE was suppose to catch me, he had taken my walls down...I needed to curl up in his shell and find protection from the world for a bit... Did I turn to him though? 

 

Instead I ran like hell from him....

I didn't want to be vulnerable to him at this point...

I was already dealing with so much and hurting so much from everything...

I guess I didn't want to run the risk of him not catching me and pulling me back up...

I still am having a hard time understanding this....

Maybe it was the fighting? The insults? The hurt I felt within it all? 

For some reason I needed to run! Just run away from everything! My past, my relationship, myself. Just run and not deal with it... It was too much! At first I thought I wasn't running fast enough, I see now I ran fast...

I just ran the wrong way!!!

I ran to a substance and to parties with my friends. At first it was great! I felt nothing, I was relaxed and it was a blast filled with lots of laughs and all around good times! The thing is though too much of something that feels good turns out to not feel so great later on... It lasted 3 weeks or so until it hit home. By home I mean it hit OUR home, OUR relationship, OUR safe zone away from the world. I did it though, that's the worst feeling you can ever imagine. I did this to US, to him, to myself... I didn't even realize how much damage I was doing by running away from him to a stupid, stupid, substance and immature friends until it was too late. The damage was done...

I wish I could describe what I feel, but the truth is I can't really. I ran away from the one man that loves me more then himself to a substance and friends that didn't care at all. Truly the most dumbest choice I have ever made! I'm not that girl... I truly just am not... I never have been! I've always been the annoying goody-good who people thought was stuck up or something...though I really wasn't!

I broke his heart! I betrayed his trust! I betrayed us in doing all of this! It was like waking up the day after a crazy college frad party and wondering, WTH did I do last night? Only I knew what I had done, I knew the damage I had caused.

We have talked, shed tears, talked about breaking up, yelled, & cried some more...

We came down to one alternative in the mist...To try to forgive...To try to work it out...To try to find US again... To Run to each other instead of run from each other...

I know I have a lot of making up to do. A lot of things to work on. A lot of mechanical hard-core, hands-on work to be done to try to undo the damage...

I know it will take a lot of me and it won't always be what I want or pleasant. 

The thing is though, I have a man who loves me THAT much that he is willing to allow me another chance to make things right! There is nothing, no requirement too big or too small that I can not handle or try to handle at least to keep me from loosing him!

So for now I am going to give my all to him & to us. Of course I am grounded... From the world for now, but in reality who needs the world outside when I have the whole world laying right beside me in bed every night holding me and protecting me even from myself. 

The one thing I know is no matter how much every spanking I get over the next month as discipline for my stupidity will hurt, it is nothing in comparison to the pain and hurt I would feel from loosing my knight & shining armor. My A! My Drug of Choice!

This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you
I run to you baby
And when it all starts coming undone
Baby you're the only one I run to
I run to you

We run on fumes
Your life and mine
Like the sands of time
Slippin' right on through
And our Love's the only truth
That's why I run to you
 

 

  Found At Annie's Treasure Trove Blog

Prison Blues

I hear the train a comin'
It's rollin' 'round the bend,
And I ain't seen the sunshine,
Since, I don't know when

 

Who doesn't love some Johnny Cash? This song has been getting me by the last few days. I have the Prison Blues & I'm going crazy! Okay well I'm always a little crazy but I'm going mental over here!!! 

So I'm grounded...From the whole world! Or at least it feels that way!  I messed up, I admit that and I won't ever repeat it but darn't I need some sunlight! Some Facebook would help too :-)

I have been grounded since the start of this week and it's not over until TUESDAY! That day seems so far away! I am not allowed on Facebook or my phone! I'm not allowed to go anywhere but to work and home... I'm bored! My friend's miss me and I can't tell them why I'm not talking to them or spending time with them. At least they BETTER miss me! I feel like a little kid staring out the window on a rainy day knowing he can't go outside and play in the rain, yet so craving the feeling of the wind from swinging on his swing set.

I've begged, cried, pleaded & even made so many promises for him to let this grounding up a little early... Either I am not a good bargainer or he is just a big mean smurf! He is not letting up and in fact I've been ummm... "reassured" that if I ask again the grounding will be prolonged! Lately it seems he is being a lot stricter then before. I use to be able to manipulate get him to see my side of things and he would allow me to have my way & let me off punishment or do the things I wanted. Now though he doesn't let me manipulate bargain at all. In fact he spanks over it if I try. I like the consistency, but I fight the urge to be stubborn and have MY way. I need to learn to just let it go... I know he does everything because he loves me and is protecting me but darn't sometimes that stubborn streak takes over and I can't fight it!

 I know I deserve this, I know I really hurt him and I feel horrid for it. Honestly I do. It's totally my fault and I should of had wayyy more respect for him then I showed with my actions. I should of loved him enough to not go overboard. But...

I did! :-( You see since we have started dating I haven't had any "girl" time with my girls. I have been so wrapped up in him and work that I let my friendships dwindle down a bit. So I planned a girls night twice this last week... Well I got a little drunk both times. He told me how much I could drink and how long to stay out, but that little oh-so-fun girl was sitting on my shoulder & she gave me permission to go buck-wild and in her words, "LET FREEDOM RING"!

 Well she was right it was fun and freedom did ring until A(the finance') walked INTO the bar and saw how happy messed up I was! Not only did I get spanking that night but the next night I did it again when he let me go out again... Well..ummm... Let's just say after the second spanking I couldn't even sit without watery eyes! I learned my lesson I REALLY, REALLY did! The hangover just added to the torture!

He didn't agree though hence the grounding... A lot of thoughts are going through my head such as... 

 

                      When I get off this grounding I am going so

 buck wild with my girls!! I'm going to the pool 

and laying out all day long to suck in all the sunshine 

that I have missed in this amazing summer! I'm using all the

 minutes on my phone to catch up on missed conversations! I'm going 

to have finger arthritis from playing on Facebook ALL day!

The beautiful little angel with that sweet submissive cherry-red glossed smile that sits on my right shoulder that he loves so dearly says different though... I think I might just listen to her and behave myself and ONLY drink what he says I can and obey ALL of his rules when I am out with my girls... who knows maybe it might just help me get home safe.... maybe being wild isn't as freeing as I thought after all!! Time to bring the Halo back out :-)

R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find Out What It Means To Me

My entire life I've always dreamed of the fairytale happy ever after. I've always believed in love at first sight, soul-mates, and the ever so passionate-forever-type of love. What I have learned in twenty-three short years though is it can exist, but only if you learn to love and respect yourself and one another. It's so easy to say that you do but showing it and actually DOING it is totally another story! It's not always easy! Who would of thought that?!? I'm feisty, stubborn, strong-headed & very independent, yet I'm loving, nurturing, caring, sweet, charming & a little wild at times. Learning to merge all of these qualities together and use them to show R-E-S-P-E-C-T is a very difficult thing to try to do. Trust me, I've tried & tried & continue to try...Talk about trial and error!


So I was married for seven years, we had two beautiful children, a dog & cat. We had what most would call the perfect American dream, what most didn't know though that it was so far from perfect behind closed doors. So after all those years I got up one day and decided today was the day I was finally going to be strong enough to walk away... I did.... & I have never looked back! It was the best choice I have ever made for myself and my children. 

I didn't date after I left, I needed to find ME. She was still in me somewhere, but darn't I've never been good at hide'n'seek! I learned a lot about me, myself, & I in that time, I needed too. I realized what went wrong in my marriage. Not only did I make mistakes but I forgot to do the most important part in my marriage, for me & for us. I didn't love & R-E-S-P-E-C-T myself!! I lost myself in the relationship... I vowed to never do that ever again in any relationship. If I can't love and respect myself as a person, how could I love & respect another person? How would our relationship work, grow, & blossom without those two things? It wouldn't! Plain & simple. So I found me, I love me & respect me...I'm pretty amazing, huh? I think so too!!


Have you ever heard that saying that you find love when your not looking? Well I did! I met my fiance' at work. I wasn't looking for anyone but he caught my eye. From the start we were hooked onto each other. He was the most charming waiter I had ever come to know! I fell in love very quick and I mean the kind of love that is head-over-heels, fairytale-type... He was & is perfect... Sure he is a nerd at times and has weird quirks but I love his quirky-nerdy self! 


Right away he showed his very dominant side...a bit intimidating at first sight! I think we were in a DD relationship from the start just without the discipline. I found a taken in hand website a few weeks into our relationship so I showed him what I found...& let him know I wasn't that disturbed by it either. He LOVED the idea. So we began our new journey into learning to LOVE & R-E-S-P-E-C-T one another. It has been a lot of ups and downs & many conversations so far & we have only been doing this for about a month now. The thing is though...I have never been happier, more self-fulfilled, and more in love with any man. He can take my breath away just by glancing at me with that oh-so-charming smile from across the restaurant where we work. He can also make me squirm with that look of "Really? Did you just go there?"....Ummm Can I plead the fifth or find the nearest exit? Puhhhlease babe?

So yes I've found my knight! He is charming, sweet, loving, kind-hearted, protective, strict and a little bossy....Shhhhhh...I had to throw it in there...What? He is! I love him though, all of him. He makes me feel like the most loved person in the world. He is my everything....


I'm going to use this blog to get out all of my feelings and emotions while going through our journey of learning to LOVE & R-E-S-P-E-C-T........Stay Tuned......