Our Love's The Only Truth, That's Why I Run To You

This song by Lady Antebellum entitled "I Run To You" has really been on my heart the last 24 hours or so. You see, sometimes I am really bad at understanding or sharing my own thoughts and feelings but music helps me do these things. Maybe that's why I love music? It brings me to a place within myself that I can't even describe or maybe even want to find at times. Music is like the right kind of medicine for my soul.

I'm kind of like a turtle in a shell who feels so sheltered within their own walls and so secure being curled up in their own shell that they rarely like to pop their heads and legs out and be exposed when they feel vulnerable. That's the only way I can think to describe it. I have a fear of being exposed and by doing so allowing others to harm what's most precious to me, my feelings and inner thoughts. I like to stay curled up in my own little shell where I feel protected within my walls.

I think it has a lot to do with my past relationship. I allowed myself to become vulnerable and in the end I was left feeling lost, unprotected, shell-less. 

 

So I put my walls back up... I self taught myself that I could handle everything in my life on my own, that I didn't need anyone to help me that I was independent and strong enough to protect myself and my own little shell. It worked amazingly for awhile, honestly it did. I healed and learned to conquer everything I thought I wanted or needed by myself without getting hurt. I didn't have to worry about feeling exposed. That was until I met A...

When I first met him my walls were all up and I felt safe. Over time of falling in love with him and gaining a best friend they slowly started to evaporate into thin air. It was like I didn't notice because I was so blinded by love goggles and I had finally met my perfect match. He was and is the one, I knew it from pretty much day one. 

The thing is our relationship happened really quickly, we moved into together right away as well. Now anyone that has been in a relationship knows when you live together the real person shows over time. It just does! Like A says though you learn to accept each others positive attributes and well as their flaws because you love them & can't imagine a day without the other person. 

Things were great but little comments he started making to me over time started to kind of eat at me. I mean they weren't over the top-we-are-so-over type of comments. They did sting, I'm not going to lie. In fact I had to have a conversation with him about how he was starting to make me feel insecure about myself and I didn't like the feeling. I mean at this point in our relationship I was exposed like those dreams we have of walking to class naked in High School kind of exposed. 

He promised to fix and it and he did... But I think I was still feeling like a bee had stung me or something so slowly my walls started coming up again. I didn't even know it at the time but I can look back and know that's exactly what started my fall out. I think we both felt the disconnection overtime. I didn't like the feeling, it left me feeling so lonely and confused, which in turn left me pulling away more.

Confused yet? Eh me too!! 

Over the last few weeks I have been wanting more time away from him and more time with my friends. I know this hurt him so deeply and I wish I could go back and communicate with him instead but I just couldn't! I would not of even known where to start. There was so much going on in our relationship, work, friend's lives, and with my ex and children. It was so over whelming and I just broke. Like I really broke! Only this time I couldn't catch myself like in the past because HE was suppose to catch me, he had taken my walls down...I needed to curl up in his shell and find protection from the world for a bit... Did I turn to him though? 

 

Instead I ran like hell from him....

I didn't want to be vulnerable to him at this point...

I was already dealing with so much and hurting so much from everything...

I guess I didn't want to run the risk of him not catching me and pulling me back up...

I still am having a hard time understanding this....

Maybe it was the fighting? The insults? The hurt I felt within it all? 

For some reason I needed to run! Just run away from everything! My past, my relationship, myself. Just run and not deal with it... It was too much! At first I thought I wasn't running fast enough, I see now I ran fast...

I just ran the wrong way!!!

I ran to a substance and to parties with my friends. At first it was great! I felt nothing, I was relaxed and it was a blast filled with lots of laughs and all around good times! The thing is though too much of something that feels good turns out to not feel so great later on... It lasted 3 weeks or so until it hit home. By home I mean it hit OUR home, OUR relationship, OUR safe zone away from the world. I did it though, that's the worst feeling you can ever imagine. I did this to US, to him, to myself... I didn't even realize how much damage I was doing by running away from him to a stupid, stupid, substance and immature friends until it was too late. The damage was done...

I wish I could describe what I feel, but the truth is I can't really. I ran away from the one man that loves me more then himself to a substance and friends that didn't care at all. Truly the most dumbest choice I have ever made! I'm not that girl... I truly just am not... I never have been! I've always been the annoying goody-good who people thought was stuck up or something...though I really wasn't!

I broke his heart! I betrayed his trust! I betrayed us in doing all of this! It was like waking up the day after a crazy college frad party and wondering, WTH did I do last night? Only I knew what I had done, I knew the damage I had caused.

We have talked, shed tears, talked about breaking up, yelled, & cried some more...

We came down to one alternative in the mist...To try to forgive...To try to work it out...To try to find US again... To Run to each other instead of run from each other...

I know I have a lot of making up to do. A lot of things to work on. A lot of mechanical hard-core, hands-on work to be done to try to undo the damage...

I know it will take a lot of me and it won't always be what I want or pleasant. 

The thing is though, I have a man who loves me THAT much that he is willing to allow me another chance to make things right! There is nothing, no requirement too big or too small that I can not handle or try to handle at least to keep me from loosing him!

So for now I am going to give my all to him & to us. Of course I am grounded... From the world for now, but in reality who needs the world outside when I have the whole world laying right beside me in bed every night holding me and protecting me even from myself. 

The one thing I know is no matter how much every spanking I get over the next month as discipline for my stupidity will hurt, it is nothing in comparison to the pain and hurt I would feel from loosing my knight & shining armor. My A! My Drug of Choice!

This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you
I run to you baby
And when it all starts coming undone
Baby you're the only one I run to
I run to you

We run on fumes
Your life and mine
Like the sands of time
Slippin' right on through
And our Love's the only truth
That's why I run to you
 

 

  Found At Annie's Treasure Trove Blog